Losing Forever (Hank and Nora A-Z)

A-Anger "What do you mean I might not be Rachel's father? Please tell me this is some kind of sick joke?" "I wish I could tell you that," she said, her voice now as unsteady as her nerves were. She shifted her eyes to the floor...knowing that if she looked at him now, she would lose it completely. "Look at me damn it," he suddenly was screaming at her as he grabbed her shoulders. "I want to see your face when you tell me how you betrayed me." Hank was not a violent man but she supposed she should have expected this sort of reaction. She had just gotten used to the days and nights where he would either not come home at all or ignore her completely. It broke her heart that she hurt him this way. "What do you want me to say Hank? I'm sorry. I'm so damn sorry." "Is that supposed to make it better? Are you even aware of what you are sorry for?" "I'm sorry for...for everything. I know you don't believe me but I am. I..." "Don't...I don't want to hear you say that you love me. If this is how you show love then I want no part of it." "Hank Please..." She tried to restrain the suffocating emotions that started with a single tear rolling down her cheek. When she tried to reach for him and he pulled away from her, she felt the weight of her body trembling as she sobbed. She never wanted him to see her this way but she was powerless to stop when she was losing everything now. "Just tell me one thing," he asked, completely shutting himself off from her emotions. "Tell me who you betrayed me with. Was it someone I know?" "Does it really matter," she asked? "It does to me." She took a moment to regain her composure...willing the tears away so he wouldn't see how broken she really was. She avoided his eyes when she said "It was your brother." "You slept with my brother," he yelled. "You had sex with R.J. How...how could you do this to me...to us?" "I'm sorry...Hank, I'm so sorry...please...please don't hate me." "I already do." And just like that, he was gone. She ran after him...begged him to come back...but he just kept walking. She had never hated herself more...or felt more alone. It was in that moment when she finally allowed herself a minute to just feel...to feel the weight of her broken heart going numb. B-Blood Test She spent the night sitting in a hospital chair...watching her two year old daughter sleep and never knowing if it would be the last. Her eyes were red and puffy from the tears she had cried the night before and when the doctor came in, she knew the news wasn't good. "I'm sorry Nora...her blood count still doesn't look good. We need to put her on the list for a bone marrow transplant as soon as possible." "I know," she said, through tears. "I was discussing this with my husband last night...the thing is...he might not be her father. I wanted to be completely honest with you...and him...because I know that it can effect the results of the marrow..." "You're right Nora...It can. If you hadn't told me, then it could have ended badly for your daughter. We'll have to do a D.N.A. test first." "Then let's do one," Hank said, as he walked in the room. Hank and Nora barely looked at each other now. It was all about their sick little girl. She was about to suggest that they just use Hank's sample before they involve his brother but he was already suggesting it. "I would rather not involve my brother if we don't have to," Hank said. "Can we just test my D.N.A. First?" "I'll get on it. Follow me." "Hank," she called out. "Save it," he responded. "All that matters now is Rachel. " "I miss you," she said, but he was already out the door. She brushed the hair back from Rachel's face and kissed her forehead. "I love you Rikki," she said. "Mommy's right here." Hank was right about one thing...the important thing now was Rachel. Their failing marriage could be dealt with later. Rachel's life didn't have the luxury of time. C- Condemn It wasn't so much what he said that hurt...it was the cold stares and the empty silence that sat between them. She knew he was condemning her with every attempt he made to deny her existence. He sat at one end of the waiting room and she sat at the other...the small room growing even smaller as the clock ticked. She knew she should try to use the empty silence to find her strength but all she could focus on was the bitter way he looked at her when he thought her eyes were diverted. "Can we not do this," she finally asked, in a voice that was broken by tears? "If you have something to say then just say it." "Are you sure you really want to hear what I have to say?" "It would sure beat the way you are freezing me out with those cold stares." "Do you actually expect me to let you anywhere near me after what you did?" "I expect you to be honest...I expect you to stop acting like I did this on my own...why do you think I drink too much Hank? Do you think I like the way it makes me feel? I hate it okay. I hate the person I am. But it makes me numb. It makes me forget that my husband would rather be anywhere but at home with me." "Are you actually going to blame this on me now?" "I'm not blaming anything on you Hank...I'm trying to tell you why it happened. " "It doesn't matter why it happened. Do you think I care about any of that? It huts to even look at you right now...knowing that you've been in his bed...How many times Nora...How many times did you go from his bed to mine?" "I was hardly even in your bed Hank...that's kind of the point isn't it?" "Are we going to get into this again...You know what my work schedule was like..." "You think mine was a piece of cake? We were lawyers Hank...fresh out of law school. But I remember a time when we were happy...when you actually liked coming home to me...when you would let me touch you...when did that change huh? When did your job become more important than me?" "I need some air, " he said, completely brushing her off. He was already halfway to the other side of the room when she said "Go ahead and leave. It's what you do best anyways." Tears burned her eyes as she looked up at him...he only turned back to her briefly before he said " Kind of like spreading your legs is what you do best." "Bastard," she called after him but he was already gone. She wished she had been able to hate him...it would make the pain so much easier to swallow. The cold reality was that she deserved every bit of Hank's contempt. Every time she closed her eyes, she could see the betrayal...and every time, it made her want to vomit. He couldn't possibly hate her any more then she hated herself. D- Dread She was thankful that the results were in a mere two hours later. She didn't think her heart could handle the bitter silence for a second later. Hank was sitting in a chair on one side and she was in the other, which seemed too far apart from him. She was so nervous that she was folding and unfolding her hands as she looked at the doctor. She had spent so much time crying that she was almost prepared for the worst before the words had even left his mouth. Hank was avoiding her eyes as he tried to focus on what the doctor was saying. It was a moment he dreaded like nothing else he had ever experienced. He didn't know what he would do if Rachel wasn't his daughter. He loved that little girl more then anything. "I realize that this is a very difficult situation for both of you. I won't drag it out any longer for either of you." He slid the folder over and Nora read the words with a bit of trepidation. It was so hard to find the silver lining when your child was dying. "Well," Hank asked..."Well what does it say?" "Why don't you read for yourself," she said, holding her breath as she handed him the folder. She had been so tense when she came here, she didn't trust her words to convey what was written in those papers.

E-Expectations "I'm...I'm Rachel's father." He looked at her briefly, and for a split second she could almost see the man he was when she first told him she was pregnant. All those hopes and dreams that now seemed so far away were still there in his eyes...masked behind the pain and hidden in the form of genuine relief. She knew better then to keep her expectations high but she couldn't help feeling a little of what he was too. "Your Rachel's father," she repeated, as if it was the only choice there could ever be. Their eyes met but then he quickly diverted the connection and turned towards the doctor. "What's next ," he asked sadly? "We are going to have to take a sample of her blood so we can determine her exact tissue type. Once we analyze that, we will put her on the list for a transplant." "Is...Is it going to hurt," Nora asked, through tears? "Not any more then usual for a child. You can stay with her if you would like." "I'd like that. I don't want her to think she's all alone." "I'd like to come too," Hank said. "Follow me," the doctor said. Hank and Nora sat on opposite sides of Rachel's bed and each of them held one of her hands in their own as the doctor began to perform the special blood test. Rachel was a brave little girl but she was scared and when she cried out in pain, Hank and Nora did their best to soothe their sick child. They held no expectations for their future...but together they had to make it okay for their baby...the one thing in the world they had ever done right. F- Failure All her life she had felt like an utter disappointment to her family...her sister Susannah was the perfect one...She herself was the one who messed up... That was why she had bonded with Hank's brother in the first place...he was the black sheep of the family, just as she was. He understood her failure to live up to everyone's expectations...but he had also been her addiction as much as the booze. She could somehow feel his hands on her skin as she stepped into her kitchen... She wanted to purge every memory of how she had allowed him to make what they shared into something it never should have been. Fresh tears rolled down her cheeks as she walked to the bar and pulled out all the bottles of liquor. She wanted a drink. Lord, how she wanted a drink. Fighting the urge to drain the bottles down her throat, she poured them down the sink. One by one, she watched the reminders of her affair get smaller and smaller...and then she hurled them across the room until she collapsed to her knees amongst the broken glass. She pounded her fists into the ground as she cursed herself for all of her mistakes...until she was shaking from the intensity of it all. When she looked up and saw Hank standing in the doorway, she was tempted to retreat but what could she do now but lay it all on the line... "I'm sorry Hank," she said, for the millionth time that day. "I know," he said, as he walked towards her and picked up a piece of the glass. "Do you really think that breaking this stuff is going to fix anything?" "I don't know if anything can fix this," she said sadly. "But I don't...I don't want to be the girl who lets you down time and time again. I want you to look at me like you used to." "You need help Nora...you can't just throw out the bottles and expect to never touch them again...we both know it's more then just a hobby for you." "I'm so scared Hank...I don't know how to be who you need me to be." This time when she started to sob, he took her in his arms and held her for the briefest of moments. "All I want is for you to stop doing this to yourself. I can't be with you Nora. I can't. Not now. Not like this. " "Where are we supposed to go from here," she asked? "I don't know...but right now why don't you go take a shower and I'll clean up this mess. Then we can go check on our daughter. At least we still have that in common." "I'm so glad you didn't lose her," she said, as she lifted herself up from the ground. Hank watched her walk away and couldn't help wondering how they would ever survive something so tragic. He loved her but oh how he hated her.

G-Gossip She was half expecting to find her name on the front page of the newspaper when she went in for her usual cup of coffee the next morning. She could hear the whispers behind her back in the crowded cafe and wondered if anyone cared how hard her life was. Behind her red and swollen eyes was the heart of a woman who was broken apart by guilt and a child who was dying. Nobody knew her story and she doubted that they wanted to...but it didn't stop her from handing out a flyer to the cashier. "I know you all have heard the stories by now...and it doesn't bother me that you think you know all the facts...but in between the gossip, I would appreciate it, if you would at least post this flyer. My little girl is very sick...and I don't care what I have to do to save her..." The whispers suddenly ceased as she took her cup of coffee. "I'll be the first to admit that I've made mistakes...big ones...but before you go back to your four poster homes, maybe you should think about that little girl who is dying...you know nothing about me or my life...stop judging it." She walked out of the cafe and back to her car...she put the coffee down and looked out her rear view mirror. Was this what her life would be like now? Would she have to look over her shoulder where ever she went...wondering who was pointing fingers and laughing about her misery...thinking she probably deserved it...and maybe she did...but Rachel sure didn't. Her little girl didn't deserve to pay for her sins. She rested her head on the steering wheel and began to sob...her hands shaking as she gripped the wheel. She was strong...but would she be strong enough to handle what came next? H-Help Somehow she managed to drive herself to the hospital... but if you had asked her how she got there, she couldn't have told you. Everything in her life seemed to blur together now. She was struggling just to keep her head above water. She wanted to check on her daughter but every bone in her body was craving a drink. It had been her way of numbing the pain. She had never wanted to numb the pain more. "Nora...Nora, are you okay?" It was Hank's voice but she was so lost in the fog that she barely heard him. She looked up at him with eyes smeared with tears. "You have no reason in the world to help me but...but I need help and I don't know how to do this alone." "You want to drink," he asked her, expecting no answer. "There's an AA meeting down the hall. Why don't I take you?" "You should hate me Hank...why don't you hate me...I hate me." "I thought I did hate you...I wanted to...a part of me does...but you are still my wife and Rachel's mother...I can't bare the thought of losing you too." "I don't know how to do this Hank...every time we fought...every time I thought I was losing you...I could just zone out for a little while and it made it better...just a little better when I didn't have to feel it." "But did it really Nora? If you hadn't been drinking...would...would you and R.J. still have happened?" "I don't know the answer to that," she said, clinging to him out of sheer desperation. "I'm sorry Hank. God, I'm so sorry. All I ever do is hurt you." "Lets just get you some help," he said, choosing the safe option of saying nothing. Admitting that he didn't hate her was a truth that he almost wished he didn't have to face...when he could hold on to the hate then he didn't have to feel the pain of loving her...maybe in some ways, he understood her need to drink...but understanding didn't mean he would enable her...she needed help...maybe they both did.

I-Insanity They tell you in AA that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results; If that was true then he supposed he was no better than her. How many times had he been sitting in this exact place—her tearful apologizes ringing in his ears? She never seemed to change. “If someone had told me a year ago that my life would get so out of control, I would have called them a liar,” she said. “How could I possibly believe that I would get so drunk that I would end up betraying my husband…with his own brother?” He didn’t want to look at her…didn’t want to hear her excuses or even her apologies but he had never been good at listening to her cry…he could hear them in her voice as she spoke…they matched his own. “I wish I had the words to tell you how sorry I am but I’m not naïve enough to think that it will fix things…maybe when you look at me you will always see what I did with your brother…” She was speaking directly to him now…desperation in her eyes…he wanted to run but he found himself glued to the seat, listening to her story as if he hadn’t already heard it a thousand times before. “Part of the program is making amends for your behavior and I really want to do that…I want to be the woman you once loved…and I think that’s what hurts the most now…knowing that as hard as I try to make up for all of my sins, it’s my fault that you don’t love me anymore; It’s my fault that you don’t trust me. How could you ever trust a woman who continually breaks her promises? Who betrays you so completely? And I don’t have any justification for anything I’ve done…I was drunk…I can’t even remember half the things I’ve done…and that just makes it worse because not only do I not know the extent of what I’ve done…I can’t even promise that It will never happen again; because I don’t know what it is…I’m sorry sweetheart…I know those words seem empty and repetitious and maybe they are but they are also true. If I had a way to go back in time and not cheat on you, I would take it. I don’t have that luxury. All I can do now is try to make it up to you and hope that maybe someday you can forgive me…maybe someday you can look at me without feeling contempt.” He wished he hadn’t looked at her then…hadn’t seen the pain reflected in her chocolate brown eyes…She was always better at hating herself then he ever was at hating her...It took him a moment to catch his bearings after she had run from the room…and when he did, he went after her. He found her leaning over a toilet in the bathroom stall, her head pressed against the toilet seat. In the past he would have accused her of drinking too much…but he knew better now…he knew she was making herself sick from guilt. “Would you look at me,” he finally asked her? “Nora, look at me?” She gradually turned her head and he saw that her beautiful face was now covered in tears. He thought it would make him feel better…knowing she was as miserable as him…it only made him feel worse. “I never said I didn’t love you Nora,” he said. “Sometimes I really wish that I could stop loving you…I just…I don’t know how…You really hurt me okay…more than I have ever been hurt…when I found out that you had sex with my brother….” “I know,” she said. There was nothing more she could say. “You don’t know Nora,” he countered…” You can’t possibly know. It was bad enough finding out that you had been in someone else’s bed but…but knowing it was him…it hurts so much that sometimes I don’t know how I can possibly survive…I love you okay? Even when I wish I didn’t, I love you…but damn it, you make me so angry sometimes…what you did…I HATE what you did…I DON’T hate you. I wish you would stop hating yourself.” “I’ve never been good at that,” she admitted. “I know,” he said, as his hands raked through her hair. She wanted to avoid his eyes; avoid seeing the hurt reflected in them; She couldn’t turn away. He was wiping her tears with the back of his thumb as he looked at her; And she was almost afraid to hope it was really love she saw there. He pressed his lips against hers then…soft and sweet, then fierce and hungry. He hadn’t kissed her like that in so long that she almost forgot how it felt…and then the regret was back in his eyes and he was pushing her away again. “I’m sorry too,” he said. “For what it’s worth; I’m sorry for my part in all of this. I do love you Nora…I just…I can’t do this right now. “ And there it was…the truth that stood between them…. he might still love her but he would never forgive her. She fell silently to the floor and let the tears come once more…It was insane to believe that she could ever regain his trust again; It was insane to hope for his forgiveness; But wasn’t your heart was always insane?